Allow me to introduce myself. I am the pirate Blue Lou Logan, and I would like to be your next President. I stand for the Parcel of Rogues Party. Our platform is very simple. We ask: If all politicians are scoundrels, why should they pretend to be other than what they are? Our nation's Founding Fathers--Washington, Jefferson, Franklin--fully supported privateering. Let us honor our country's pirate heritage!
I believe that the way forward is backwards. Our technology has brought us to the brink of environmental destruction. The greed of our so-called "captains" of industry has led us to recession. On a pirate ship, if the Captain can no longer serve the crew, he's voted out! It's time for new leadership! It's time for MUTINY!
I do not believe that our course is correct. I argue that we must return to what we know works. Our oceans are crying to us, "Don't cross me with diesel, cross me with sail!" The pirate way is one of environmental sensitivity. Let us get past our dependence on fossil fuels by going back to a resource that will always be there--the wind!
I further propose that we turn our economy by reinvesting in tradition. Let us rebuild our collapsing country! Let us restore our history! Let us grow hemp! Let us make rum! How better can the Pursuit of Happiness be furthered but by making those things that make us merry?
It is time for us to stop patrolling the planet. Our involvement in other countries' business brings death to our people without reward. What good is a raid without plunder? I argue that diplomatic withdrawal will let us focus on keeping the ship, our United States, afloat. Fight for booty, or do not fight at all!
The pirate way will bring our country the prosperity that it deserves. If I can't do the job, send me off the quarterdeck! Or maybe I'll keelhaul ye...
Parcel of Rogues: Honest scalawags in a time of dishonesty. We're not to the Left, we're to port!